Key Principles on Interacting with People

Christian Okkels

Thoughts and Reflections on Carnegie’s Masterpiece

You can make more friends in two months by being interested in them than in two years by making them interested in you.

— DALE CARNEGIE

I recently read Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” and the only thing I can say is why didn’t I read it earlier. I feel like my eyes are a little bit more open now. I feel like my mind is quicker, my understanding deeper. However, as the book so very well argues, I’ll stop talking about me and myself and let it do the talking instead. While the book is brimming with nuggets and all sorts of anecdotes, experiences, and real-world examples, it neatly summarises its main ideas as short, concise principles covering four different aspects of interacting with people. And this is pure gold. I’ve included some thoughts of my own, which you’re both free to read or free to skip. So, without further ado, here they are.

Techniques in Handling People

  1. Don’t criticise, condemn, or complain.
  2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
  3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six Ways to Make People Like You

  1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
  2. Smile.
  3. Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
  4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
  5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
  6. Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.

Win People to Your Way of Thinking

  1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
  2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong.”
  3. If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
  4. Begin in a friendly way.
  5. Start with questions to which the other person will answer yes.
  6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
  7. Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers.
  8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
  9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
  10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
  11. Dramatise your ideas.
  12. Throw down a challenge.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offence or Arousing Resentment

  1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
  2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
  3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person.
  4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
  5. Let the other person save face.
  6. Praise every improvement.
  7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
  8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
  9. Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest.

On a final note, I think the most important thing to point out is this: None of this stuff works if it isn’t being done with sincerity and honesty. The moment the ideas above are misused and abused, for whatever reason it may be, is the moment the philosophy falls to the ground. Sure, you may have your motives for talking to and interacting with people, but if you’re applying the principles above solely for the fulfilment of that motive—and without sincerity and honesty—then you’re no longer talking or interacting. Rather, you are faking and manipulating. And while this certainly happens out there in the real world—in both business and perhaps even private settings—it’s not really a practice to condone or nurture.

Seven Rules for Making Your Home Life Happier

Finally, Carnegie also has some thoughts on how to make your life at home happier. This section was included in the original 1936 edition of the book but omitted from the revised 1981 edition. However old they may be (nearly a decade, in fact), I think the rules, or ideas, are as timeless as popping bubble wrap—although the book is actually older than bubble wrap… (I may or may not have had to look that up…) Anyway, here they are:

  1. Don’t nag.
  2. Don’t try to make your partner over.
  3. Don’t criticise.
  4. Give honest appreciation.
  5. Pay little attentions.
  6. Be courteous.
  7. Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.

Now, I can’t say I’m married—at least not at the time of writing this, and probably not within the next few years either—but I’m not entirely new to the whole living-with-someone-else thing, this being with either friends, family, or a partner. While I do think most of the points above hold true regardless of whom you’re living with, it’s clearly still geared more towards romantic relationships and marriage. That being said, it’s still endlessly more difficult to put into practice than just reading the points here and think, “Hey, that sounds great! And easy, too! I’ll just do that.” While one of these three sentences is true (hint: it’s the first), I’m gonna have to burst your bubble. Because it’s not easy. And, unlike a certain sports brand’s slogan, it’s not something you “just do.” It’s something you should do—if you want to be happier, of course—but not something that’s as easy as putting on your socks in the morning. That said, it’s also not something that you just do. The saying that “It takes two to tango” may be quite the cliché, but even so, it’s one with truth to it. For none of this works if it’s only and always just one of you doing it. If you’re never nagging or criticising, and you’re good at giving honest appreciation and paying attention, yet still met with exactly the opposite from your partner, then you’re bound to get fed up at some point (unless you’re the most forbearing person in the world, or just extremely henpecked—or, to cover every angle, “rooster pecked”). So it really does take the both of you. But who should start, then, you might think? Well, why don’t you? Why don’t you, as the first thing you do, go home and tell your husband, wife, or partner how much you love and appreciate them. The result shouldn’t surprise you, but I think it will anyway. It really does work wonders, and the only price is potentially a little bit of pride. But don’t you have enough of that to spare?

Now, I don’t know who’s reading this. Maybe no one, in which case I feel like I’m just talking to myself… I don’t know who you are. But if you’re already married, and might have been so for many years—and even if you’re not—then you might be thinking something like, “Who the hell do you think you are, punk? Who’s a little kid like you to think they know anything about life? Not to mention lecture me about it?” (That may have come across a bit more Arnold Schwarzenegger-ish than intended.) I get it if you think this way, but no one is giving any lectures here. All I can say and suggest is go home and try it out.

With all the best hopes and intentions, get out there and meet people, interact with them, whether they be friends, family, colleagues, or complete strangers. Best of luck—though you don’t need quite as much of it if you adhere to the principles above.

Christian Birch Okkels
Copenhagen, Denmark
May, 2019

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *